... :)

it's been a while since i last wrote..
a long while.
so let me fill you in on my life so far..
remember that boarding school i mentioned eon's ago?
well that is where my life is being held at the moment.
the boys there are great.
it's quite like a second family..
only i just got a shit load of brothers..
and only 2 new little sisters.
John Allred is screaming for me to come to his show..
so as always.. i must be there.
a great way to start out my new year.
his voice and his lyrics bring me great joy.
i have been getting into the whole..
doTERRA oils..
they bring great satisfaction to my soul.
their like natural drugs..
i enjoy them.
so for Christmas this year my parents "Santa"
they bought me an Amazon Kindle..
I LOVE IT!
i have fallen in love with my life at the moment..
i have been doing a lot better dealing with my depression..
well in my own opinion.. i don't believe that counts for some people.
My mom is supposed to call Marv today and talk about my tuition..
that school is very spendy..
but well worth it.
i guess in a way i'm to spoiled for my own good..
i have everything that i have ever wanted..
and so much more..
i have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life..
more than ever actually..
and i guess sometimes that could be good..
or maybe sometimes it could be bad..
either way i have been doing it..
i have made plenty of mistakes in my life..
and i wish i could go back and fix them..
bring back the one's i lost..
stay friends with those who meant the most..
never fight..
never break..
never regret..
a friend of mine told me this quote..
"Never Regret Something That Made You Smile"
i'll try living my life by that motto..
i have a long life ahead of me..
i should forget about the past and move toward my bright future..
Me Against The World by: John Allred..
story of my life..
here it goes again..
bring on life as i know it..
throw a couple curve balls.
its a new year..
i'm going to turn my life around..
here it goes..
wish me luck!
♥♥♥
Sammy

i wonder..

i wonder if they notice..
how much it hurts..
it's been so cold all these days..
i've been abandoned..
dont give up on me now..
my whole life..
i've been caught on the dark side..
for so many years..
just a couple of lyrics from allred's song
your hand in mine..
his music is speaking to me more than ever..
Dallen has started ignoring me..
not that i should care.. but i do?
eh fuck it all..
i guess it's me and bryanda..
and davis?
he seems like a cool kid..
he came to the party last night..
which was super good..
he's a really nice guy..
i enjoyed getting to know him at least a little..
god allred..
why do i just want to have sex with your music?
litterally?
god.. i've gotten to the point where i cant think anymore..
but rolling..
i need it..
it's become an addiction..
every time i roll i lose weight..
and i want to lose it all..
i've learned how to let go..
of everyone i know..
and that has left me out here..
all alone..
more lyrics from John's song
Hurry up..
i just spent 9 bucks on his music..
and another 10 in a week or so?
for his show in Provo..
god his voice is an ear-gasm :)
haha i cant wait to see him!!
well goodnight..
also.. :)
White Butterflies.. Double Stack!!

....hmmm....

lately things have been... rough..
i've been doing all sorts of drugs..
it got to the point on friday where..
i had taken two Valium.. i figured..
if i take a couple of other pills that maybe i could end it..
i opted out of it.. but now.. looking back.. i should have done it..
all i am is a worthless, stupid, bipolar, retarded, fucked up, piece of shit girl..
i hope to god that one day..
i'll just fucking die already..
i'm so sick of waiting, and waiting..
i just want this stupid leukemia to take over already..
i want to die.. i want to die.. i want to die..
take a bullet to my head and pull the trigger,
cut so deep i bleed red poison,
pop them pills till i'm to numb to feel,
anything...
anything..
anything.
just get me out of this body..
it's starting to become a prison cell..
everything has fallen apart and come crashing down on me..
god please just kill me now..
please..
just end this suffering..
please..
fuck my life..
i'll finish myself off..
i cant fake it anymore..
goodbye you cruel, cruel world..
i'm fucking done..

....

FUCK THIS I'M DONE!!
i'm done with friends,
i'm done with trying,
i'm done with caring,
and i cant wait to leave this shit of a town..
i fucking hate it here..
i'm telling my mom i want to go to that boarding school.
this is PURE bull shit..
i just want to be out of everyone's lives.
for good..
so no worries anymore guys,
i'm leaving. don't expect to see me in the halls anymore.
don't expect me to answer your texts, calls, or messages..
because i am fucking done.
the day i leave for that boarding school..
give me about a week..
then visit me at my funeral..
i'll see you all in hell

Roll with the punches i guess..

so today... wasn't so good?
i had a good day.. up until about an hour ago?
i mean it started off good so that counts.. right?
this morning was good.. class went well..
after school i partied at bryanda's and we took her car for a drive..
thats some scary shit.. haha then after dinner i went to walmart..
i'm buying new bellybutton rings :) its finally to that point.
haha yay!!
then.. peter..
things changed..
a lot over time..
now its just.. awkward?
i dont know.. things just depressed me..
but i dont want it to get to me..
i'm going out tonight to hang out with an old friend..
:) so that should help out.. hopefully
i love having real friends.. and not the ones that pretend.
i'm not saying their fake.. or posers.. i just.. i'm sick of them..
i dont want to have to deal with people in general anymore.
Bryanda and Dallen are the only two people i'll actually talk to.
and i like it that way. they are good friends :)
bryanda turned 17 today :) haha
her car is cool.
we named it
Granny Blue
cause its old haha!!
we still haven't named my car.. but i know we will eventually
her party is this saturday :) and its going to be the shit!
haha a water dance.. it's super epic :)
and i'm gonna be the "DJ" haha i already started making the playlist :) woot!
so we'll see how tomorrow goes..
i'll tell you guys what happens tonight :)
in full detail!!
toodloo for now :)
bye

Saturday :)

Today was a pretty radical day :) haha
i went to the state fair today with my family :)
and my mommy bought me an owl backpack :)
its pretty freakin sweet!
also i got home and bought my Falling Whistle :)
it also made me happy.
check out what it means on this site:
www.fallingwhistles.com
check out the story and the store :)
i'm kinda super freakin excited to get it next week :)
ha i've been talking to Dallen like EVERY DAY now.
he's a pretty fun kid. and a pretty good friend.
haha me and bryanda need to party again.
her birthday is next week on monday if i'm not mistaken..
haha i'm happy she got a car!! haha yeah she's that cool.
i've been trying to find new music lately.. but nothing..
any suggestions?
haha well all in all today was pretty fantastic :)
the state fair.. rocks..
Dallen.. rocks..
Bryanda.. haha ROCKS!!
yeah i dont know what else..
OOOOOOHHHHH
so on monday the planet Jupitar will be closer to earth :)
this only happens once every 50 years.. so be prepared :)
its supposed to be super freakin awesome!!
i saw that on www.yahoo.com :P yeah..
check it out!

Friday...

i guess that today was an alright day..
i've been avoiding everyone lately..
why?
cause i just cant deal with them anymore..
i dont want to have to keep impressing people..
its really starting to bother me..
is it bad to want to be alone sometimes?
well anyways..
i guess i've been happier.
eating more..
getting better..
Dallen got me out of the house today.
and that was enjoyable..
i had a lot of fun. so thank you Dallen
i applied to be a big sister for big brothers big sisters :)
i'm excited to meet my little.
i was thinking about a lot of things today..
and came across an interesting idea..
what if the world could be happy for a change?
i'm so sick of people always being so depressed..
my best friend Tyler was super depressed today..
i was lucky to text him when i did..
he says i saved his life..
which surprises me knowing him..
well there isn't much to talk about anymore..
i'll keep updating this though..
oh and also.. for those reading my blog..
and think that i'm going to "commit suicide"
yeah let me tell you i'm gonna go in, grab a gun, point, cock, and shoot.
NO
i'm not doing anything like that
i'm sick of stupid fucking rumors..
get over yourselves people.
thats why i hate you guys..
well i'm done for now..
goodnight cruel cruel world..
i'll be awake in the morning.