i wonder..

i wonder if they notice..
how much it hurts..
it's been so cold all these days..
i've been abandoned..
dont give up on me now..
my whole life..
i've been caught on the dark side..
for so many years..
just a couple of lyrics from allred's song
your hand in mine..
his music is speaking to me more than ever..
Dallen has started ignoring me..
not that i should care.. but i do?
eh fuck it all..
i guess it's me and bryanda..
and davis?
he seems like a cool kid..
he came to the party last night..
which was super good..
he's a really nice guy..
i enjoyed getting to know him at least a little..
god allred..
why do i just want to have sex with your music?
litterally?
god.. i've gotten to the point where i cant think anymore..
but rolling..
i need it..
it's become an addiction..
every time i roll i lose weight..
and i want to lose it all..
i've learned how to let go..
of everyone i know..
and that has left me out here..
all alone..
more lyrics from John's song
Hurry up..
i just spent 9 bucks on his music..
and another 10 in a week or so?
for his show in Provo..
god his voice is an ear-gasm :)
haha i cant wait to see him!!
well goodnight..
also.. :)
White Butterflies.. Double Stack!!

....hmmm....

lately things have been... rough..
i've been doing all sorts of drugs..
it got to the point on friday where..
i had taken two Valium.. i figured..
if i take a couple of other pills that maybe i could end it..
i opted out of it.. but now.. looking back.. i should have done it..
all i am is a worthless, stupid, bipolar, retarded, fucked up, piece of shit girl..
i hope to god that one day..
i'll just fucking die already..
i'm so sick of waiting, and waiting..
i just want this stupid leukemia to take over already..
i want to die.. i want to die.. i want to die..
take a bullet to my head and pull the trigger,
cut so deep i bleed red poison,
pop them pills till i'm to numb to feel,
anything...
anything..
anything.
just get me out of this body..
it's starting to become a prison cell..
everything has fallen apart and come crashing down on me..
god please just kill me now..
please..
just end this suffering..
please..
fuck my life..
i'll finish myself off..
i cant fake it anymore..
goodbye you cruel, cruel world..
i'm fucking done..

....

FUCK THIS I'M DONE!!
i'm done with friends,
i'm done with trying,
i'm done with caring,
and i cant wait to leave this shit of a town..
i fucking hate it here..
i'm telling my mom i want to go to that boarding school.
this is PURE bull shit..
i just want to be out of everyone's lives.
for good..
so no worries anymore guys,
i'm leaving. don't expect to see me in the halls anymore.
don't expect me to answer your texts, calls, or messages..
because i am fucking done.
the day i leave for that boarding school..
give me about a week..
then visit me at my funeral..
i'll see you all in hell

Roll with the punches i guess..

so today... wasn't so good?
i had a good day.. up until about an hour ago?
i mean it started off good so that counts.. right?
this morning was good.. class went well..
after school i partied at bryanda's and we took her car for a drive..
thats some scary shit.. haha then after dinner i went to walmart..
i'm buying new bellybutton rings :) its finally to that point.
haha yay!!
then.. peter..
things changed..
a lot over time..
now its just.. awkward?
i dont know.. things just depressed me..
but i dont want it to get to me..
i'm going out tonight to hang out with an old friend..
:) so that should help out.. hopefully
i love having real friends.. and not the ones that pretend.
i'm not saying their fake.. or posers.. i just.. i'm sick of them..
i dont want to have to deal with people in general anymore.
Bryanda and Dallen are the only two people i'll actually talk to.
and i like it that way. they are good friends :)
bryanda turned 17 today :) haha
her car is cool.
we named it
Granny Blue
cause its old haha!!
we still haven't named my car.. but i know we will eventually
her party is this saturday :) and its going to be the shit!
haha a water dance.. it's super epic :)
and i'm gonna be the "DJ" haha i already started making the playlist :) woot!
so we'll see how tomorrow goes..
i'll tell you guys what happens tonight :)
in full detail!!
toodloo for now :)
bye

Saturday :)

Today was a pretty radical day :) haha
i went to the state fair today with my family :)
and my mommy bought me an owl backpack :)
its pretty freakin sweet!
also i got home and bought my Falling Whistle :)
it also made me happy.
check out what it means on this site:
www.fallingwhistles.com
check out the story and the store :)
i'm kinda super freakin excited to get it next week :)
ha i've been talking to Dallen like EVERY DAY now.
he's a pretty fun kid. and a pretty good friend.
haha me and bryanda need to party again.
her birthday is next week on monday if i'm not mistaken..
haha i'm happy she got a car!! haha yeah she's that cool.
i've been trying to find new music lately.. but nothing..
any suggestions?
haha well all in all today was pretty fantastic :)
the state fair.. rocks..
Dallen.. rocks..
Bryanda.. haha ROCKS!!
yeah i dont know what else..
OOOOOOHHHHH
so on monday the planet Jupitar will be closer to earth :)
this only happens once every 50 years.. so be prepared :)
its supposed to be super freakin awesome!!
i saw that on www.yahoo.com :P yeah..
check it out!

Friday...

i guess that today was an alright day..
i've been avoiding everyone lately..
why?
cause i just cant deal with them anymore..
i dont want to have to keep impressing people..
its really starting to bother me..
is it bad to want to be alone sometimes?
well anyways..
i guess i've been happier.
eating more..
getting better..
Dallen got me out of the house today.
and that was enjoyable..
i had a lot of fun. so thank you Dallen
i applied to be a big sister for big brothers big sisters :)
i'm excited to meet my little.
i was thinking about a lot of things today..
and came across an interesting idea..
what if the world could be happy for a change?
i'm so sick of people always being so depressed..
my best friend Tyler was super depressed today..
i was lucky to text him when i did..
he says i saved his life..
which surprises me knowing him..
well there isn't much to talk about anymore..
i'll keep updating this though..
oh and also.. for those reading my blog..
and think that i'm going to "commit suicide"
yeah let me tell you i'm gonna go in, grab a gun, point, cock, and shoot.
NO
i'm not doing anything like that
i'm sick of stupid fucking rumors..
get over yourselves people.
thats why i hate you guys..
well i'm done for now..
goodnight cruel cruel world..
i'll be awake in the morning.

Monday..

well today was just another day at school..
no new.. friends? i suppose..
today was an okay day..
only today at lunch i left for the restroom..
something didn't feel entirely right.
i get there and i literally started coughing up blood..
so i didn't know what to do..
i was freaking out.. that has never happened to me..
i'm scared that everything might just be getting worse..
instead of better..
the doctor said that the medication would help..
but so far.. nothing..
i guess it's helped a little..
i dont feel as sick anymore.. so maybe.. just maybe..
but you can never be to sure..
i just want to make it through senior year..
that way when i say goodbye it could either be permanent..
or not..
it all just depends on how this shit goes..
i'm hoping that by senior year it'll be to the point where..
i'm perfectly healthy..
but i just dont know.. at this rate..
things aren't looking so good..
i figured i would keep this blog.. in case someone cool came across it..
maybe some day in the future they'll have the cure for this..
god i hope so..
whether i live that long or succumb to the statistic..
i just dont think i would want someone to go through this like i have..
its hard enough..
trying to distance yourself because you just never know..
having to give up so much.. because your not sure..
its hard sometimes.. i've lost a ton of friends..
and a ton of people i care deeply about..
so far the only people that know are
Tyler N.
Jake S.
and
Peter M.
i'm not sure i want to tell anyone else..
i dont want people to worry..
maybe after if i perhaps pass on from this..
i'll have someone tell my story..
or maybe i'll write my own story..
perhaps that would be more effective..
well thats all for today i guess..
there hasn't been to much going on..
i'll update again tomorrow..
keep reading :)

Sammy ♥♥♥

getting out there i guess..

tomorrow's monday..
you know what that means right?
well obviously you dont.. cause its new :)
i decided that i think it's time to get out there a little more..
so my goal for tomorrow is to make a new friend in each one of my classes..
ha wish me luck.. tomorrow is an A day..
so i'll be having
P.E (with a shit load of sophmores)
Child Care (with preppy bitches)
then Peer Tutor.. that one doesnt count..
then i have my math class (also full of sophmores)
so lets see how i do :) wish me luck
i figured the more i get out there the more i'll get asked to dances?
ha if that logic works at all!!
so preference is coming up in November :)
and i'm not quite sure who to ask but i know i'm going to
and i'm gonna find an amazing dress so i will look beautiful for once..
i'm gonna see how much i can lose until november.. the skinnier the better
maybe i'll find a dress that looks good for once

kinda just the mood i guess

Allred - Forgiven

I've never felt so burnt out before
And I wonder what I've become and I forgot all the things I promised you
Cause you left me like a setting sun
And someone stole you from me
With all the things I wanted to be
And now I've come undone
And you're not around to see it cause you're gone

If you ever find a way, let me know if I'm forgiven
Cause if you never find a way, my life won't be worth living

I've never felt so burnt out before and I wonder what I've become
And I forgot all the things I promised you
Cause you left me like a setting sun
Someone stole you from me with all the things I wanted to be
And now I've come undone
And you're not around to see it cause you're gone

If you ever find a way to let me know if I'm forgiven
Cause if you never find a way, my life won't be worth living

What's in the past is in the past
I just wish sometimes it would last
For one more day
What's in the past is in the past
I just wish sometimes it would last
Cause I've got more to say

If you ever find a way let me know if I'm forgiven
Cause if you never find a way, my life won't be worth living

lately a lot of John's songs have spoken to me.. i have him playing non stop..
his voice calms me.. and his lyrics are actually about things people deal with..
he's truly the only inspiration i have had from a musician..

Allred - Golden

I was uncertain about everything.
And there in the sky was an opening.
That could take me away from this place, and all of this.
Would they even notice, would there be a change if I was gone, for hundreds of days?
And this is the reason why, there's some people I won't miss.
Cause I'm so tired of feeling alone, we could have been golden.
We could have been something, we could have been eerything that we wanted.
But we were too fragile, we could be broken. And we could be bought.
The suns still going down on me, I'm waiting for you.
I'm up to my knees, and I can't make a move without there being something I could lose.
And could there be something better than this? could I find a meaning to happiness?
Could a smile be an expression I could use.
Cause I'm still tired of feeling alone, we could have been golden.
We could have been something. We could have been everything that we wanted.
But we were too fragile, we could be broken. And we could be bought.
If this is the last time I'm going to say this, I loved you more than anything and I still do.
And I still do. I still think of you when I close my ees, with your face stuck in my mind.
Smiling, while I was dying inside.

Allred - If I Died Tonight

Another night I've tried to fall asleep, but your words keep on ringing in
my ears
My faith is gone and I can barely speak. And this is the way it stayed
so many years

If I died tonight, would you regret those words you said to me
That you thought were right
If I died tonight would you just forget everything you said and hold it
deep inside

I just can't seem to find my way to bed
And all these passing hours, they repeat
And knowing how you feel, and what's been said
It's time to pack my bags again and leave

If I died tonight would you regret those words you said to me
That you thought were right
If I died tonight would you just forget everything you said and hold it
deep inside

On and on I fall. and I can't seem to win at all
Knock me down and I'll still crawl.
And its further than i fall
You will never call.
and you taunt me till it hurts
and you haunt me with your words
your word..

If I died tonight would you regret those words you said to me
That you thought were right if
If I died tonight would you just forget everything you said and hold it
deep inside

Allred - Home

I've fallen down I can't get up again
I've lost myself, I'm losing everything
I wish I could change the world, I'll find a way

All we ever wanted was a place to call home and not to feel alone
When the sun went down
We should never change the way that we are
Cause we've come too far to turn back

How could you just walk away from me?
I'm not asking for your sympathy, just love me
I wish I could change the wolrd, I'll find a way

All we ever wanted was a place to call home and to not feel alone
When the sun went down
We should never cahnge the way that we are
Cause we've come too far to turn back now

And time goes on with or without us
So don't linger on what you can't change

All we ever wanted was a place to call home and to not feel alone
When the sun went down
We should never change the way that we are
Cause we've come too far to turn back now

Allred - Just Remember

I would like to believe that I'd stay the same
So take my picture when I come around again
I guess we will see if I had changed
I may look different but I stayed the same within

Keep smiling

Just remember when the sun goes down
I'm coming home to you

There is so much to see
So much to learn
Time wasted but there's so much left to live
And you can believe what you want to
Just know we're getting to the same place in the end

Keep smiling

Just remember when the sun goes down
I'm coming home to you
Just remember when it all goes down
I'm holding on to you

So stay right where I can see you
I'm coming home

Allred - Crack one more smile

I wish I was in your soul where you could feel me
And you know I'd always be apart of you
And everything I'd feel and everything I'd be would always start with you
If there were prices to pay
Would you give it away?
This world is so ugly and I've seen enough
Sometimes I'd rather be blind or deaf
But I would keep the sweet sounds of your unmistakable voice
That keeps doing rounds in my head
If there were prices to pay
Would you give it away

We were posing for pictures that were never taken
And I couldn't crack one more smile without breaking down
Without breaking down

Surviving on my second chances
I'm still scraping by on my memories
And I will leave with you embellished words
And fragmented dreams of these things
When there were prices to pay
Would you give it away

We were posing for pictures that were never taken
And I couldn't crack one more smile without breaking down
Without breaking down
Cause I'm lost in photographs with you
Would you give yourself away

We were posing for pictures that were never taken
And I couldn't crack one more smile without breaking down
Without breaking down

Allred - Miss Me

Your words are like the sand tonight.
They're slipping through my fingers and.
I've tried so hard to keep this one.
I've been doing all I can and I've been wondering where you are.
Have you fallen apart because you miss me.
And I guess it's how we are. we're thinking too hard and we're not listening.
And if I kept the truth from you.
Would I still end up empty handed and if you walked away from this just know that I would understand and I've been wondering where you are. have you fallen apart because you miss me?
And I guess it's how we are. we're thinking too hard and we're not listening.
So take a little piece of me.
Take a little piece of my heart.

Allred - Promise

I never thought that I would see the person hiding underneath myself.
And everything I thought I'd need I ended up leaving on the shelf.
Cause life turned out different than we planned.
Wherever we will go, we'll take it nice and slow.
Just hold me when the lights go out.
You're picking up the phone, I know that you're alone.
And I'm sorry I'm not there.
The clouds are creeping in, I know you're sleeping in.
And I wish that you were here.
But life turned out different than we planned.
Wherever we will go, we'll take it nice and slow.
Just hold me when the lights go out.
Whatever this will be, promise me, you'll hold me when the lights go out.
My feelings, will stay the same.
Forever, oh, so promise me, promise me, wherever we will go, we'll take it nice and slow, just hold me when the lights go out.
Whatever this will be, promise me, you'll hold me when the lights go out.

Allred - Autumn

I'm waiting here but I'm out of breath
Another reason to just forget
I'll be alright
I couldn't find a better time or place
To see the words written on your face
I'll be alright

And the leaves are on the ground and I keep falling down
It's getting colder, I'm getting older
And autumn isn't what it used to be

Stretching my arms across the sky I'll be alright
I wanted someone to make me see, there's more to life that the one I lead
I'll be alright

And the leaves are on the ground, and I keep falling down
It's getting colder, I'm getting older
And autumn isn't what it used to be

And I'm still changing, I hope your hanging on every single word that I sing
And if you're broken from the words I've spoken
This is what the colder season will bring

And the leaves are on the ground, and I keep falling down
It's getting colder, I'm getting older
And autumn isn't what it used to be

Allred - There She Goes

If you could just take these words away,
I was hoping that they'd be better off replaced.
I'll be waiting over there holding back the tears you made me cry.
I remember when you said you'd never leave.
I guess that's something that you made yourself believe.
If everything will change I hope I stayed the same all the time.

And there she goes, breaking my heart again.
And I can't pretend, I can barely smile.
If you could just hold it all inside for a moment, be glad to be alive.
And think of the times when there was laughter in your heart.
What did you expect me to say? To tell you please don't go away.
I hope there's a reason for the way some people are.
And there she goes, she's breaking my heart again.
And I can't pretend, I can barely smile.
And there she goes, she's breaking my heart again.
And I can't pretend I saw the end all the while.
Who's going to be there when you're sleeping watching out for you?
Who's going to tell you when you thought you knew the truth.
When you're falling on the floor outside the door everyone else ignores you, I'd be there for you, I'd always be there for you.
And there she goes, she's breaking my heart again.
And I can't pretend, I can barely smile, and there she goes, she's breaking my heart again.
And I can't pretend I saw the end all the while.

Allred - Tomb

I woke up such a mess today
so alone and so afraid
but all the mistakes I have made
they follow me back to this place
and all these faded memories
they still haunt me in my sleep

excuse me for the way I look at you
you remind me of someone I thought I knew
and I loved her so
but she left me in this tomb

so why does it always end this way
a million things we never say
cause if our hearts were meant to break
then why is there so much we can take

excuse me for the way I look at you
you remind me of someone I swore I knew
and I loved her so
but she left me in this tomb

Allred - Lucky Stars

You're walking away again
I'm watching my old best friend
Turn their back on me
Growing up wasn't easy
And all that I was before
It fell through a slamming door.
You're still pulling me under, with you

And I still believe that everything will turn out right

And all that was said and done
I know I'm the lucky one
Cause you never stopped trying
Even though I've been lying, to myself

And I still believe that everything will turn out right

And I have counted all the cars
From these interstate backyards
That always find me among faces I don't know
And I'll be wondering where you are
Lying underneath the stars
That always remind me, that I am still alone
I'm still alone

And I still believe that everything will turn out right

sorry its so many songs.. these ones are the ones that i like..
probably the most..
i'll write more as the day progresses..
ha i just woke up a little while ago if that helps a little..
i've been sleeping more than usual..

erhggg...

well tonight is the night of homecoming..
which of course i never got asked to..
but oh well i guess..
i just got back from Jake's house..
he's such a good friend..
i ended up there last night after the game..
i had a little problem with a guy..
so i had jake come get me..
so i slept at his house last night..
and most of today..
i woke up at around 4 or 5 only cause he woke me..
believe me i would have slept the whole day if i could..
it's just one of those..
not so good days.. i guess..
i'm trying to distance myself from a couple of people..
but its not really working out to well..
this is all for now..
i'll update tomorrow..
i'm back to bed now..
night

What's Worth Fighting?

it seems like every time i find my ground..
something always gets in the way..
and for some reason.. i just cant stop crying over it..
for the most part.. everything was okay.. i suppose..
i just wish life would quit throwing shit at me like this..
i cant handle all of it at once..
all this boys crap, and medical shit piling up, and feeling isolated..
i guess for a teen those are normal right?
i mean life hates you in your teens..
i just hope that maybe.. perhaps..
that life would just for once.. be easy.. just once..
maybe then people would see me for who i truly am..
and not just the rumors and labels..
at least try to get to know the girl underneath the facade..
maybe then us cavemen of AFHS could be "family"
like that show "If You Really Knew Me" that show..
blows my mind.. i wish it would really come for a visit..
so now.. if i may do so.. i will take part in this show.. kinda..
If you really knew me.. you would know that when it all comes down to it..
i'm fighting a losing battle with myself every day of my life..
you would also know that my family struggles with health..
and that growing up in my family.. you weren't allowed to show feelings..
that my parents were never around when i was growing up..
i spent my 5-8th Birthday sitting on my porch alone..
you would know that my dad struggles with kidney stones..
that i struggle with.. depression that hurts sometimes..
that my family struggles to survive..
if you really knew me you would know..
that i have problems with religion..
and never feeling accepted no matter where i go..
i guess i'm just a teen.. i mean everyone goes through this..
but why does it have to be in this particular moment?
why couldn't it be later on down the road..
i'm going to end with this last little bit..
if you really knew me.. you would know.. that i struggle..
with an eating disorder.. and with medical problems..
sometimes the only escape.. is to sit.. and watch.. and wait..
and wait.. and.. wait.. and sooner or later..
if i'm lucky..
it
will
all
just
go
away..

Thursday, September 9th 2010.. The Day of Reconcile

Well today was actually a pretty good day..
well till after school..
yeah that was shitty..
but other than that i was in a good mood all day :)
so thats a plus..
my dad had his surgery for his kidney stones..
and i guess he's doing alright..
but he has a high tolerance for pain..
so with him you just never know..
i was in a really hugging mood today :)
and i'm sure a lot of people enjoyed it.
i like being able to be happy..
even if its chemically enhanced..
today is my day of reconcile..
i am going to make peace with me and peter..
or at least try to..
sometimes it might be hard..
because i cant always help him..
nor do i have a place in doing that..
its none of my say what he does anymore..
if he wants to roll or get high.. that his choice..
not mine.. i've fixed myself.. i just hope he can too..
maybe one day.. hopefully soon..
he will be able to function without the use of drugs..
and i know how hard it can get sometimes..
i just wish that he knew what kind of stuff he's getting himself into..
anyways.. onto a different subject..
PLUR 2010 is coming up fast.. only 3 weeks away..
me and Bryanda decided we wanted to go.. so we're gonna get the money.
ha i'm kind of excited.. last month didn't go so well so maybe.. :)
it has been exactly 2 months and 2 weeks since i last rolled..
it's been forever.. so i'm excited to see if my tolerance is still up.. :)
well i guess that's all for now..
OOOHHH!!
so my new favorite song is the profile song for here.
it's by Meg and Dia it's called "Fighting For Nothing"
take a listen :)

eh.. shitty balls..

so lets see.. this last week was well... shitty..
i guess it started off alright..
aside from feeling super guilty and bitchy about things..
am i really that much of a bitch?
i broke up with peter on monday..
the day before our year mark..
things just kinda sizzled..
left..
the week before last he seemed so distant..
and i wanted to ask.. but i didn't..
i figured it was none of my business..
that if he wanted to talk about it that maybe he would..
so i decided to wait it out for a week and see how things went..
things kinda progressed he never told me so.. i kinda felt like i didn't need to talk to him about things either..
which didn't help in the long run..
i had so much going on in my life that i needed to talk to someone about..
but i felt like no one was there.. it got really hard..
i get to visit Paul soon..
his cancer grew back.. they gave him about 6 months to live..
its going to be hard telling him goodbye..
my sister and her husband moved back in..
and thats even harder for me.. things are so hectic at my house..
i feel as though people have forgotten about me..
which really seems to be the case with a lot of people..
my older sister caught me..
she saw my belly button ring..
so i'm kinda scared that shes going to tell my parents..
i just hope things will start to go better for me.. and for peter..
i feel terrible knowing that i hurt him so much..
so i healed.. i have a couple new scars forming as well..
i just cant find an outlet anymore.. it seems like there's no one..
i cant talk to my parents about things.. their to busy..
and bryanda would try to understand but it would be hard to talk..
peter is just out of the question now.. i dont know where to even begin..
and any one else i try to talk to tells me to stop being so depressed and that its annoying..
i miss my bestest friend Keiston..
ever since peter got back.. we haven't ever talked..
he was the only one that i could trust.. and i miss him more than life itself..
maybe i should just show up at his house..
see how things go.. but that would just be awkward for me..
eh fuck this..
i'll see you all later..
i think i'm done with all this bull shit..